my thin skinny ass sits in a hole. that leads to a hole and to who knows where? The dramatics of oakland and as far as your concrete mind can imagine. That's how I see my life and where I am. Floating like shit, and I know that we make our own shit. I still woke up too early for nothing, and it disatisfies me because I worry and not sleeping good.
Some of them, one thing leaps to another, and an other. I am so tired. of worrying. What happened to me? My blood seems jumpy and my heartbeat conserving or so. Even breathing at times? Like I wake up drowning from invisible water. Drowned by lack of water. I slept in the sofa last night as an experiment so i won't be waking up kristen.
on my jittery awakenings.
I go for a piss every time. when will it be feeling like sleeping like a baby? Today, I am watching monk which can be cartoons at times. but I feel good watching detective sams, so i can investigate why i am the way i am. sometimes i feel it's just as easy to live a new code of life despite the fact that you can't teach old dogs new tricks.
But I'm completely up for a new way to bark and wiggle a new tail of things. I dream of some people in my dream like a movie scene
but it's not a movie, but that's how i see my dreams, and at times reality.
It's drizzling outside. I don't want to play as much, and I have confined myself in this apartment - so small for our - me and kristen's own solitude.
Why can't I accept what's in front of me or do i want something altered from reality. Is this a phenomenom of nature understood or am i just plain lunatic. I'm far away from my genetics, and I don't relate to them. relatives can put you stuck on your search but they can hold the key.
I am so sorry nowadays, and it makes me feel like a dying man, outcasted. I am still sitting in the toilet bowl with my butt cheeks open.
Did i get raped? an accident or an unusual made up memory? Am I blaming these things as an excuse to my evil nature?
All I know is I want things to be flowing in calm peaceful blue waters of laughter and hugs. This too is slipping away. like I'm slipping out of reality. My dear kristen, how are you faring up?
It seems at times you are on the line of giving up and yet you don't, or so i feel that on you. I am not god. I'm just a person wanting to be happy. that sappy.
What can I do, as time ticks, to its decision I am faced with a lot of worlds that I can't be on. Does the little boy inside of me still looking for ways to fill up the gap, or am I that little boy still, who was making out being watched at two years old. I could still feel the taste of her tongue.
I told the watchers they were bitter, not like milk or rice. Who were those people watching? Did they get excited by all this or was it a sick way of passage? sexually infused or is i the way for them?
Either way, i'm confused and without ground and clear purpose. I say I will love the best way I can. Understand things with kindness and hope. be one with the universe... with the little star that must be dying by now inside of me.
Is he the one screaming a silent death inside of me, still being unseen by tattered ego's like mine. Memories have failed me. for it is forgotten, but i will see you one day little boy and you will walk beside me.
I love you, and I am here healing for both of us. For the seeds that we have planted that are now growing and to their awkwardness because we are not united at this point in our lives.
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