day funf

i don't want to be mauldlin or self-pitying, but i will write what i feel and see what comes out as it's the one thing that drives me.  to communicate.  


wake up today and only cried for a little while and put on my happy face and got some coffee and a fag.   My neighbor was outside talking about how he has to consolidate into one apartment, and I was just as pollyanna as a pig - not saying that I was broken up myself about the loss of love.


why is this?  why do I hide?


and wondering all and all about my role in the disaster of my relationship of eleven months and twenty days.  The parade of strange arguments that deflected any real response.  What do you say to someone who passionately argues about 'people are half good and half bad.'  I mean of course it's true, but there's nothing to argue about.  What about why you won't look at me anymore and how we haven't laughed in months.


we had many many discussions about gay and gayness.  what is there to argue about?  if you feel gay, then go gay.  if you don't feel gay, then move on.  love gay people.  love people.  i was constantly questioned about whether i was gay or really a man.  it hurt.


that was the last argument.  the one where he said i should just kill myself and be done with it and that he was only waiting around until he could escape me.  this was because i was not pleased with turning forty or that he just didn't want to be with me.


this morning, i thought of frisbee and how i always wanted someone to play frisbee with.  we never did that although we at one point owned an inferior frisbee.  this diatribe sucks.  it doesn't nearly express the wicked shame i feel at failing.  


was watching the movie 'awakenings' and i bawled at the people locked inside.  that's what i felt of he and me - that we were locked inside and that he wasn't going to trust me anymore.  what do you do?  for me.  i waited.  i felt i was easily trustworthy and that my love could be put through any test.  but obviously that turned into shit.  he's beautiful and went back to old fields contrite and so polite now.  i'm sure he's running errands and being humble and pleasing and witty and paying attention to the people who are talking because he has no other choice.  he has to have someone .  not me anymore.