therapy

not doing anything much different than before except totally tamping down the feeling that i am a worthless piece of trash.  i sorted through that a bit and i am aware that i am a person here just like you.  if you can do it, so can i.  watching romantic comedies now as the sun fades.  my problem has always been that i do not like to distract myself and be motivated by fear but i choose to be motivated by desire and love.  it is a big one for me.

reaming

and why shut me out from all of it?  why - when you have left me - do you do things that we could have done together or you could have done simultaneous to being with me?  why was i your jailor and your bad mommy and your annoying looker?  why could i not be a partner to you?  i was looking forward to a life with you.  when you didn't even bother doing anything - anything - anything different regarding me.  when you lashed out at me as the enemy.  i shut down.  why would there be a mystery there.  i love you.  you are a creative genius.  you - when you are nice - are the most amazing person.  do you know why i didn't like to go to dinners or to go out with you?  because you would leave me in silence not even being able to talk to me like you'd talk to someone you just met at a rodeo.  i noticed.  it hurt.

a touch

a touch that's nourishing so gentle yet felt. love is love.  meaning is confused and hidden by the pain.  a touch that is inflicted like a knife.  it cuts.  it cuts deep.  but love . it doesn't bleed.

to carry her on our wedding night.
hope despite my broken back
from the pain instilled by the demon
to be able to stand straight
timeless
evolution
to walk with dignity in the aisle of purity
to meet the love
to fulfill her with gentle thrusts
and overflowing sweet energy
untainted.

and ampersand

and you couldn't do any of that with me.  you couldn't join a gym or go to frisco or move or work with old people.  all of it was my fault?  i cried when i packed your stuff.  i know that i am not like you - that i do not jump and frolic and sing in the streets and wonder how godlike i am...  


i love your spirit and your sense of fun.  you just stopped breathing when you were with me, and i never understood that you were with me...

empty

i am an empty person.  there is nothing inside of me.  i merely take up space in this world.  my cat is very nice to me, and i smoke and will probably masturbate and then nap and then maybe make myself go outside.  it has been tempting to just imagine dying and leaving but i do not know how to turn the switch off from hoping that maybe i can be something useful and kind and good.  i know that there is a beautiful person inside of me, and i know very much that i want to open myself and be loved and love.

eleven edelon

i am a fool.

how ridiculous that anyone would want to hang out with me.  i show no interest in anything and i watch too much.  waiting waiting waiting to see the inevitable betrayal.  it does always happen because your thoughts do reality.  it's almost eleven twenty, and i have done nothing but cry and watch a movie about crazy people and feel like i am shit and reading his words and knowing how much he understood and remembering how he tried.  he just couldn't fill up my hole of need.  the usual.

day funf

i don't want to be mauldlin or self-pitying, but i will write what i feel and see what comes out as it's the one thing that drives me.  to communicate.  


wake up today and only cried for a little while and put on my happy face and got some coffee and a fag.   My neighbor was outside talking about how he has to consolidate into one apartment, and I was just as pollyanna as a pig - not saying that I was broken up myself about the loss of love.


why is this?  why do I hide?


and wondering all and all about my role in the disaster of my relationship of eleven months and twenty days.  The parade of strange arguments that deflected any real response.  What do you say to someone who passionately argues about 'people are half good and half bad.'  I mean of course it's true, but there's nothing to argue about.  What about why you won't look at me anymore and how we haven't laughed in months.


we had many many discussions about gay and gayness.  what is there to argue about?  if you feel gay, then go gay.  if you don't feel gay, then move on.  love gay people.  love people.  i was constantly questioned about whether i was gay or really a man.  it hurt.


that was the last argument.  the one where he said i should just kill myself and be done with it and that he was only waiting around until he could escape me.  this was because i was not pleased with turning forty or that he just didn't want to be with me.


this morning, i thought of frisbee and how i always wanted someone to play frisbee with.  we never did that although we at one point owned an inferior frisbee.  this diatribe sucks.  it doesn't nearly express the wicked shame i feel at failing.  


was watching the movie 'awakenings' and i bawled at the people locked inside.  that's what i felt of he and me - that we were locked inside and that he wasn't going to trust me anymore.  what do you do?  for me.  i waited.  i felt i was easily trustworthy and that my love could be put through any test.  but obviously that turned into shit.  he's beautiful and went back to old fields contrite and so polite now.  i'm sure he's running errands and being humble and pleasing and witty and paying attention to the people who are talking because he has no other choice.  he has to have someone .  not me anymore.  

breath

my heart is broken.  i have lost the man who i gave my heart to and it ripped me up.  even though it seemed an inevitability, i still love him and want him to feel happy and safe and grounded in himself.  I want these things for myself too, and i had thought we could share a build.  two halves do not make a whole.  i am no prize pig in this race.  escape from our feelings of confusion.  never really cementing with each other and saying "i know who you are, and i will love you through this sadness and pain.."


we all feel pain and sadness.  i know. some of us have hearts that feel too much and it makes us overload and any sign of deception forces us to retreat to the demon that we have grown accustomed to.  imagine my disgust at the elation i felt that we were being real - even in the midst of horrible horrible words.  he woke up the next morning and said over and over 'i'm so sorry'.  but it was over.  he was already somewhere else.

death

he wrote me today after i wrote him and he said he had had intense thoughts and feelings about me ...  i would say that i am dying in agony at the loss of what our shared future would have been.  i would say i love him, but this is something i've felt before, and i have to admit that i am not all that into myself either - thinking i'm some old boring person.  i wore the birthday gift he made fun of around my neck all day and smelled his clothes.  loss.

edelon

my thin skinny ass sits in a hole. that leads to a hole and to who knows where?  The dramatics of oakland and as far as your concrete mind can imagine.  That's how I see my life and where I am.  Floating like shit, and I know that we make our own shit.  I still woke up too early for nothing, and it disatisfies me because I worry and not sleeping good.


Some of them, one thing leaps to another, and an other.  I am so tired.  of worrying.  What happened to me?  My blood seems jumpy and my heartbeat conserving or so.  Even breathing at times?  Like I wake up drowning from invisible water.  Drowned by lack of water.  I slept in the sofa last night as an experiment so i won't be waking up kristen.


on my jittery awakenings.


I go for a piss every time.  when will it be feeling like sleeping like a baby?  Today, I am watching monk which can be cartoons at times.  but I feel good watching detective sams, so i can investigate why i am the way i am.  sometimes i feel it's just as easy to live a new code of life despite the fact that you can't teach old dogs new tricks.


But I'm completely up for a new way to bark and wiggle a new tail of things.  I dream of some people in my dream like a movie scene


but it's not a movie, but that's how i see my dreams, and at times reality.


It's drizzling outside.  I don't want to play as much, and I have confined myself in this apartment - so small for our - me and kristen's own solitude.


Why can't I accept what's in front of me or do i want something altered from reality.  Is this a phenomenom of nature understood or am i just plain lunatic.  I'm far away from my genetics, and I don't relate to them.  relatives can put you stuck on your search but they can hold the key.


I am so sorry nowadays, and it makes me feel like a dying man, outcasted.  I am still sitting in the toilet bowl with my butt cheeks open.


Did i get raped?  an accident or an unusual made up memory?  Am I blaming these things as an excuse to my evil nature?


All I know is I want things to be flowing in calm peaceful blue waters of laughter and hugs.  This too is slipping away. like I'm slipping out of reality.  My dear kristen, how are you faring up?  


It seems at times you are on the line of giving up and yet you don't, or so i feel that on you.  I am not god.  I'm just a person wanting to be happy.  that sappy.


What can I do, as time ticks, to its decision  I am faced with a lot of worlds that I can't be on.  Does the little boy inside of me still looking for ways to fill up the gap, or am I that little boy still, who was making out being watched at two years old.  I could still feel the taste of her tongue.


I told the watchers they were bitter, not like milk or rice.  Who were those people watching?  Did they get excited by all this or was it a sick way of passage?  sexually infused or is i the way for them?


Either way, i'm confused and without ground and clear purpose.  I say I will love the best way I can.  Understand things with kindness and hope.  be one with the universe... with the little star that must be dying by now inside of me.


Is he the one screaming a silent death inside of me, still being unseen by tattered ego's like mine.  Memories have failed me.  for it is forgotten, but i will see you one day little boy and you will walk beside me.


I love you, and I am here healing for both of us.  For the seeds that we have planted that are now growing and to their awkwardness because we are not united at this point in our lives.

him about me

It's finally here, and I am loathe to begin.

we didn't have a tv

my dad is a raging alcholic

my mom is an ocd - fixing that house and brushing her hair in the room most if not all of the time.

we moved to fairview at my sire.  It was a good house with a five foot deep twelve by four rectangle of a swimming poole. psuedo living

at six, moved in with my mom's brother and his family of two kids then  rene! argo, sebastian

Stll having hard time shitting - cousins let me manage who wasn't mean to me

My dad was a bit sober, we were happy those times for a while went to kindergarten

at seven, we had the whole house all to us and my mom and dad royally lie hell.  my dad beat me.  jealousy over my mom's sexy clothing

she dresses sexy

we live in ghetto flooded manilla by the market

liberation

my grandma is always with me.  she loves me a lot.  she takes me to the market and always gets complimented by the seller because my grandma is the best person in the world bar none to me

The call me 'alaska boy' from the milk commercial because they say i'm itsory - or white boy.  I was a handsome kid with beatles hair.  So when i went to the states, i was more like a mexican

Little by little the house grew empty and so when my grandma and aunts left, as my grandma tied.  early on when we moved to tins house

from the motel, he went home with the blanket.  they laugh at this story

I was having phobia shitting shitting still 

my breath is dying from the smog and the smokers in the house

i hear my family tease my aunt's suitors calling them names my dad protected his sisters from suitors, but not from him.  He is violent drunk, and i was disciplined by spanking

My recollection of my mom was she's in school the first out or enjoying single life she came from pretty descent home and only girl.  she played 'this little piggie"

I this point, i feel that I'm being passed around by all the twenty people in the house since i was ato first grandson, first nephew, first child

four or five, me and my sister got our picture taken professionally by a door to door photographer

I like peeing outside.  the window 

is planted 

we also have a s... in this house believe it or not

Mom and dad fighting.  dad an alcoholic, bum, gambler, womanizer, proabably gay.  had sex when he was seven.  Once he phoned to my uncle that he is feeling a girl and my uncle had requested a blanket soap and massage.

Now that I have a stitch on my abdomen that's why no matter how i try i will have this probably because it was in early side of my life

my dad once when my friend was at my house - his name is gerald - lied taunted and he told me to get the curtain rod and beat the neighbor, and so i did and my dad he was happy.

age five - i flew time the seventies waden life and hit the underchir lift and my left cheek cut apart.  I got separated from society the second time

I remember them throwing a party for me.

The moment i felt i was raped

age two to three - sexual with our neighbors daughter - same age as me.

my dad always fighting

slept at thier feed in the bed probably being six

there were about twenty people in the three bedroom house

dad was a drunk

mom claimed my dad raped her

had hernia they say

four - got operated because of hernie they said i had three balls.  they displayed the third ball on a bottle of cheezwhiz

my grandma who i love telling the story of how i went to bill those people who operated

I have been thinking... that's all i do.. why is everything drifting away and i'm still here?  am I a blackhole that sucks everything and vomits everything out in an abstract confusion?  Even though I've been sitting in this apartment for some five days or so... barely moving... I'm still tired.  I only think of myself.  selfish not by choice but of origin.  My lonliness grows the black and empty has blurred my vision and I have to imagine a light that doesn't mean anything but a contrived mystery.

a coffeeshoppe deli that will give opportunity for hardworking filipinos to experience running a business establishment to cater to all people through our own distinct customer service and flavor.  We would use recycled fixtures to bring out an atmosphere and showcase poetry, music, and art of filipino descent artists living in the bay area.  bring about positive energy and expand their horizon in enriching ourselves with our fading cultures through expressions appropriate to the evolving times

My Day

I lose my mind the moment I wake up too early for my liking.

Going through tropical depression on the rocks.  On a holiday ... make it a double then chase it with a beer from jamaica

i got sidetracked

Gardened for my black gay neighbor paul who drives a fading mercedes like him like me  I feel a stick in my ass.  somebody pull it out.  Then I drove down international avenue and went window shopping for hookers i would pick up, but it was familiar.  i'm fighting this charlie sheen addiction

I keep so many things to cover the truth... i am a soft person

i once had energy it was about fun now that my life is losing its vitality i hope to get some of that energy running

end of the world didn't happen

I woke up today from a long sleep.  my son marley graduated from preschool.  He was the only one who cried, and got up towards me as I was part of the paparazzi taking pictures.  I was somewhat bothered by this but i tried my darn best to not bring it up to him.  Like he did some failing at his age.  He might be the one who's right about this situation.

I would feel uncomfortable to be paraded to parents by teachers.  Demonstrated their knowledge of ABC and songs.  Then after the presentation with their togas.  He stopped crying again and I have to hide myself and when the cermony was done.  He was the most playful.  I'm seeing a lot of me with this son since he is the only one near me.  I see how he needs more confidence and stillness at situations like these.  I pray that he will be aillright.  Guess he has to go through like most of my children.  I'm not so much of an example to kids because i am myself a kid.  Deserve still care by adults.

Of how I still don't have a stable life.  It's always an obsticle to our relationships because they can't take me so seriously.  To them, I had nothing to give, and if that's what they think, then I'll be damned.  It was a week of reaching out.  I've rested a little, and I'm getting some stillness.  Today, I thought myself a god.  Walking down the flea market down that college, and on the way home, I saw a swim watch and thought of those kids - competing and to show their superiority on each other.

I enjoy the team who obviously looks because the girl who swam were small and still strong through inner thighs.  On the boys' team, the black boys won.

They are indeed physically superior and is they go, i hope they don't fall because it would be a long fall down.  I still have fantacies of being homeless even though I'm doubtful if I would be able to survive.

I am both excited and scared of this though.  Rest my uncle told me.  Be positive.  Jen told me.  You are loved and don't be mean to yourself kristen tells me.  cut your hair my mama told me. I'm studying lana tells me.  You are god I tell myself.

I am coming down at the moment.  Maybe the weed really gives me the jitters.  I would try to smoke a little .... i've been floundering this week.  

my thin skinny ass sits in a whole that leads to a whole and to who knows where.  The dramatics of oakland asn as far as your concrete mind can imagine.

Coming Here When You're Already There

she saw him and was instantly intrigued as these people seemed a different energy than the nervous americans trying to be cool that always populate this place.  they were chill and open and we talked of abortion, the beatles, being a king, the pixies, and played pool.  I thought it was someone who I could grab hands with and soar to adventure.


And I desperately wanted to capitalize on the feeling of universal goodwill upon knowing that I did not want to die.


So I played and fished and fell in engagement.  
Truly the night drifted away into different drama -
it was new year's eve - and the next morning, I had no coat nor keys and had to wait until five o'clock to get all of my accoutrements and by the grace of something, they were all perfectly intact


i check my messages and actually REMEMBER the man that i had proposed marriage to and played pool with and sung the pixies with.
He had called twice.  I pondered this move, and I reaffirmed the connection and called him
he had never said goodbye but i had written my number in sharpie on his arm
or i should have written it on his arm - his hand was what i chose.


he came over and never left.
we loved each other so intensely it made grace cry
it made my love cry
it made me cry
i said and meant to him, "when you are around, it feels as if the world is real again."


He had nothing to do and nowhere to go, and I was fine with that as I'd been on that boat myself.  i wasn't as kind as i could have been because then it started to be a war... and we were not on the same side.


a householdwar


battle all the time.  sky is blue. sky is BEIGE.
that type of thing
He would grandly and eloquently argue to me about the validity of the law of cause and effect, and i would say "i got it, but what are you saying to me?  what is the point of your really telling me these abc's?"


his back would hurt.
he would be tired
no amount of care would help
and the symptoms were very vague
depression
leaping to try and save him


all the time my own psyche is drowning and has no feeding
result is disaster


things like the horsehead in glass the mural of the boys in the middle.  the beautiful human being he is... his baby photo
they make me turn into an angel of vengeance in his honor
but it doesn't make me get up off of my ass and start participating in meet up dot coms or join a circus
partner and motivation


that's what i thought he was.  he does it before and after me... that grand awesomeness of his where he becomes a poet of daring me me me.
and me
sitting here again and just thinking it's such a waste but having not one clue of step one
faith

bone fida

a gray kitten staring at me from the birthday card under the silver mini fifties tree.
minutiae
as my heart is breaking and i am an full on self-destruct familial mode

and i think of this kiwis and i think of the mimosas he did not make for me
and the company we did not have at our house and the love that we
used to fuse our ragemachine

plagued.  did i do something to make it fuck up?  he did go to the store and buy me things he did try to do everything i asked
once the trust turned to enemies living in the same home
ouch
and i ponder my life without you and it makes me gently sob but luckily i've taken a pill and opened a bottle of wine at nine amperus meridian and hopefully i will just fuck out this day

he put so much emphasis on work
was that me?
feeling like 'that would be great, but i have to relax before work'
that alone time strange thing
what do i really do in my alone time - such fabled alone time
i basically write and thus weave fantasies about who I am and justify my existence or i abuse wine beer ciggs and stare off into space

tea is boiling

Kamakazski

the shrine you made us at the Palace of Fine Arts
the song you sang to me on piedmont
the comfort and love you gave me
the pin with the mahalo sign
the blanket
the framed photo of padz
the few paintings so dear
my love

Ready or Note

forty
on my fortieth birthday
you screamed at me to kill myself
you later told me that you had meant
to give me the extreme alternative and really give me
that 
perspective


at the moment, i reflected that i felt horrified that you were saying this to me


but it must have been dead much longer
my japanese love
the relics of our great love exist
and real tears bejewel this struggle
you are so beautiful to me


and it puzzles me
but i have to accept this
after everything else you draw out of me
you still expect cute curtseys


and i have to accept this

Title to Be Determined

empty
what else can
start
it but that


seeing all of the beauty and repetition that i triggered and
the something that is no longer there
repeat
repeat
retreat
retreat


nothing to say but i am here.